I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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