Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
