Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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