thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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