Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Screwed.edu
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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