Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize