I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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