Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
