I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
