I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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