So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
