the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
