Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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