my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
