I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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