gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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