i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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