If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
