I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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