im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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