you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
