There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
