Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
