Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
