if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My balls are so social today.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
