I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
the liver wants what the liver wants
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
