that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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