Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
