so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
