I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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