It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
