Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
