I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
