Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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