just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
