Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
