Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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