tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
