do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
