he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
