I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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