paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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