I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
