Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
