OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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