I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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