i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
