Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
