So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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