textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
