his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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