Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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