he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
