Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
