Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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