i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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