Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
