you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
