I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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