Soap is not a condiment
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
